


Sunshowers

by babyspacealien



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Fluff, Kissing, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Burn, Suh Youngho | Johnny is a Good Friend, lee haechan is a sad boi™
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:21:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28765503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babyspacealien/pseuds/babyspacealien
Summary: “Maybe it was a mistake for me to come with you, then.” Renjun mimicked Donghyuck’s pose and turned his face up to the sky. “You’re not really alone if I’m here.”“You’re different,” Donghyuck said without any hesitation.Renjun laughed. “In what way?”Donghyuck thought for a moment. “When I’m alone with you, it’s just different. It’s feels like being alone with my better half, like I can be my truest self. I feel whole when I’m with you, Renjun.” He closed his eyes, letting the snowflakes land on the back of his lids.“Do you mean that?” Donghyuck heard Renjun whisper from beside him.He opened his eyes again and looked at the other boy. Renjun’s cheeks were pink with the cold, the little flakes collecting in the curl of his eyelashes. His eyes were bright and watery due to the winter wind, and Donghyuck thought he had never looked more beautiful than in that moment.Donghyuck smiled. “I really do.”
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Comments: 14
Kudos: 109





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So... I'm kind of just projecting my own insecurities on Haechan. Sorry about that <3
> 
> This entire fic is based off of [this](https://youtu.be/wz1aszzZOLQ) video.

Donghyuck’s problem started when the dreamies got together to watch the “Hug Me” portion of the Weekly Idol episode they had just been on. 

“I’m so excited to finally see what the questions were!” Jisung sat down and bumped his shoulder into Donghyuck’s. “Aren’t you, hyung? You were picked for most of them anyway.” 

“Haha, yeah,” he chuckled, “I’m so excited to see why you all were dragging my name in the mud on television.” 

“Oh come on, everybody already knew those things anyway.”

Donghyuck looked up to see Chenle walk into the room with the rest of the members, snacks in tow. 

“Knew what?”

Chenle snickered and sat down on the couch behind him, “That you’re annoying and we’d all like to punch you, given the chance.”

Donghyuck turned around from his seat in front of the couch to send a glare Chenle’s way as the rest of the boys sat down around them. 

“We tolerate you,” said Renjun as he ruffled Donghyuck’s hair and thrust a bag of candy into the younger boy’s lap. 

Donghyuck felt his cheeks flush at the affectionate touch, despite Renjun’s semi-insult. 

Jeno cleared his throat, and they all turned to look at him, “Shall we begin?” He cocked his eyebrow and nodded to his hand hovering over the spacebar on his laptop. 

“Yes! I need to see why Lele chose me for his question!” Jaemin threw his arms around Chenle, who grimaced and attempted to push his hyung’s face away using his foot. 

Jeno sighed and clicked play, skipping to the “Hug Me” section of the show and retreating back to the couch to pry Jaemin away from Chenle. 

Renjun was the first to pick a question, and Donghyuck was surprised by what the question actually asked. 

_Will you love me more?_

Donghyuck felt his heart thump against his chest, and the smallest smile crept onto his face.

“Awe, of course I love you, Renjunnie!” Donghyuck shouted obnoxiously as he gave Renjun a tight side-hug. He jostled the older boy back and forth so that his head bobbled on his shoulders.

“You are not helping your case here.” Renjun flicked the other’s forehead once he had let go. “I want you to be less annoying and to quit teasing me.”

Donghyuck’s heart panged inside of his chest. _He’s just teasing you. You know he is._

Donghyuck raised his eyebrows and drew his mouth into a pout, “But Junnie, you _know_ this is how I show my love!” 

“You must love me the most out of everyone then.”

Whatever Donghyuck was going to say next was lost as he sharply inhaled, choking on his own spit. Renjun patted him on the back as he coughed. Donghyuck was going to say something else to potentially save himself, but Chenle kicked him in the back before he could think of anything.

“Stop coughing, you’re missing the part where we roast you.”

On the screen, Donghyuck and the other members were trying to figure out what Renjun’s question could be. 

“The person who makes him laugh the most?” Donghyuck’s onscreen-self said.

“Are you delusional?” said onscreen-Renjun. 

The rest of the members laughed at that, onscreen and off. Donghyuck didn’t register the laughs, though, because he was too preoccupied with looking at his own face. He watched himself sigh and bite his lip, giving a somewhat awkward smile. He thought that he was better at hiding his true emotions than that, but looking at his pained expression on the screen was a rude awakening. 

Luckily no one was paying enough attention to him to witness his mental breakdown as they turned their focus on teasing Jisung instead. Donghyuck made a note to himself to practice his expressions as soon as he got back to his dorm later that night. 

Next up was Jeno’s question: _Who doesn’t listen to you at all?_

The members burst into another fit of laughter, knowing that Jeno had also chosen Donghyuck for his question. 

They all watched as Jeno talked about how he had to decide between Donghyuck and Jisung, but ultimately decided on the former. 

“Why’d you choose me?” Donghyuck turned to face Jeno, his pout up and ready to go. “You said that you felt that way with Jisung all the time, so why’d you pick me?” 

“I might always feel that way when I’m with Jisung, but the feeling when I’m with you is stronger,” Jeno laughed goodnaturedly, and the other members joined in.

Jisung protested by swatting Jeno’s knee with his hand. “I listen to you sometimes hyung!” 

Donghyuck tuned them out again to watch himself on the screen: another half-smile, his face turned towards the floor, feet shaking slightly. He wondered when his emotions became so transparent. He knew Chenle was making fun of him, both versions, but he couldn’t bring it within himself to care. 

They finally moved on to Jaemin’s question: _Who makes you think: “What’s with him?”_

They all laughed at that question’s reveal too, including Donghyuck, as it really did apply to all of them, Jaemin in particular. 

“See?” laughed Jaemin, “It really wasn’t as bad as it seemed.” 

Donghyuck nodded as he chuckled, “If I had gotten that question, I would’ve chosen you, too.” He reached out his hand for Jaemin to shake. Jaemin grabbed it tightly, both of them still laughing. 

“Awe man, I totally thought it was the person he wanted to hit the most.”

Donghyuck took his hand back from Jaemin and turned to look at Chenle, who was seated directly behind him. “You sure it wouldn’t have been you?” One of Donghyuck’s eyebrows raised in question.

“You said it to me once, right hyung?” Chenle directed his question at Jaemin. “That you wanted to beat up Haechan hyung the most?” 

Jaemin laughed and nudged Chenle’s shoulder with his own. “I don’t remember, but that’s probably true.”

Donghyuck accidentally made eye contact with Jeno then. He realized he must look a little off when Jeno stopped laughing and instead looked at him with his eyebrows raised in question. Donghyuck's eyes widened, and he silently pleaded with Jeno to forget he ever saw anything. Jeno looked like he was about to stop the other two from their giggling, when Jisung interrupted. 

“It’s my turn next, you guys have to watch!” 

_Who would you want as a pet?_

Donghyuck’s mouth dropped open in mock shock. “You just want to be able to boss me around, don’t you!” he punctuated his sentence by playfully shoving Jisung, causing him to tip over onto the floor.

Jisung was laughing so hard that he struggled to sit back up, using Chenle’s knee as leverage. 

“What kind of animal would I be?” Donghyuck asked once Jisung had righted himself. 

“I don’t know, maybe-”

“Worm,” Chenle interjected.

“What?!” Donghyuck moved to attack Chenle and make him take it back when Renjun let out a gasp to Donghyuck’s left. 

Donghyuck turned to see what had surprised Renjun, the screen showing Donghyuck’s own question: _Who do you think is doing so well? ♥_

“Wow,” Renjun started, “that’s not what I was expecting.” Renjun was fully facing him now, and Donghyuck willed himself not to burst into flames right that second. 

“Well, uh,” Donghyuck stammered as he tried to ignore his rapidly beating heart, “you always say how you think you aren’t doing your best, but I wanted to tell you that you’re wrong.” 

Renjun’s eyes opened impossibly wide before squinting, “Did you do something wrong?” he accused.

“What?” Donghyuck tilted his head in confusion. He racked his brain for anything that he might’ve done wrong recently, but nothing came to mind. 

“You’re never this nice, especially to me.”

Donghyuck’s heart dropped into his stomach. Renjun didn’t think he was nice enough to give a genuine compliment without some ulterior motive? He felt himself deflate. “I guess you’ll never know.” 

They watched the last few minutes of “Hug Me,” Chenle’s question was the only one left, but Donghyuck was exhausted. He got up to leave at the same time as Jeno turned on the TV to pick what movie they were going to watch.

“Are you leaving already? We were going to watch a movie,” said Jeno as Donghyuck made his way towards the door. 

Donghyuck leaned down to put his shoes on, back still facing the rest of the members. “I think I’m gonna call it an early night, 127 has practice in the morning.”

Donghyuck couldn’t see the frown on Jeno’s face as he said, “Alright, goodnight then.”

“Yep.”

***

Donghyuck changed into his pajamas, feeling numb. He turned all of the lights in his room off before sitting in the middle of his bed, his body hunched. Tears began to slide down his face, slowly at first, but rapidly gaining speed as sobs soon racked his body. 

He was glad Johnny was still out drinking with Ten. Even if Johnny had seen him like this before, it was still embarrassing. Donghyuck hated crying in front of others. Not only did it make him feel weak, like he can’t keep his emotions under control, but it also made him feel like a burden. 

He didn’t really know where this soft spot came from. His parents were always loving and supportive. He was a bit of a troublemaker in school, but he was never harshly reprimanded and never bullied. So why did he feel like he was going to die whenever someone insinuated that he was annoying? He wasn’t an irrational person. He knew that worse things could happen, such as losing a family member or his career. 

Donghyuck first realized this particular weakness when one of his friends in school, one of his best friends, made a comment on his voice.

Donghyuck was singing his heart out at their lunch table, a regular occurance. He and his friends often goofed off like this while eating. How else were they supposed to make classes bearable? Donghyuck had been singing “Juliette” by SHINee, his friends clapping along and joining in during the chorus. He could see one of the lunch attendants coming towards him, probably to tell him to stop disrupting the rest of the students, so he quickly finished his song with a bow and dropped back into his seat. His friends sitting beside him patted him on the back, still laughing hysterically. 

“Thank God, your voice was getting _so_ annoying.”

Donghyuck stopped laughing immediately and turned to face his friend sitting across from him. His mouth tasted like sandpaper. “What?”

His friend smirked and raised his eyebrow. “What, you thought we were laughing because your singing is so amazing? Your voice gets super high when you sing, you sound like a girl!” he laughed. 

Donghyuck’s hands became cold and numb. He felt like his throat was about to close, his airway shrinking until he was nearly choking. He wasn’t sure what was happening to him. His friends were looking at him like he was crazy. He was panicking. He finally found the strength to stand and bolted to the bathroom as fast as he could. Donghyuck locked himself in the last stall and slid to the floor, head between his knees in an effort to breath. He was thankful the bathroom was empty so no one could hear him as he struggled.

When he had finally composed himself enough to return to the table, he pulled it off as if he had suddenly started choking. His friends didn’t think much of it after he returned to his normal, rambunctious self. But he never sang in front of them again, and it took him a long time before he could stand to hear his own voice again. Since that first incident, he’d noticed a pattern in his emotions. Someone would call him annoying, or be openly irritated with him, and he would clam up. His brain would just shut down. But he also couldn’t stop hiding away his personality. He was an entertainer, after all. 

He had learned to control his response to such comments over the years, but it was only superficial. As soon as he was alone, he would break down and overthink. Which is why he was lying in a fetal position on his bed, trying to remind himself that the dreamies don’t actually hate him. Donghyuck knows they appreciate him and all he does for their team. However, he couldn’t get Renjun’s words out of his mind. 

“You’re never this nice, especially to me.”

He didn’t have time to think about it, though, because Donghyuck heard the front door open and shut, the distinct footsteps of his roommate coming nearer and nearer. He attempted to collect himself before Johnny could see the state he was in, but his efforts were futile. Johnny assessed the situation as soon as he walked through the door. 

Donghyuck closed his eyes and felt the bed dip beside him. Johnny placed a hand on his back, its warmth seeping through the thin fabric of his t-shirt. “What happened?”

“What makes you think anything happened?” Donghyuck mumbled, head resting on his knees. 

Johnny sighed and Donghyuck could imagine his eyes rolling back in exasperation. “You know I’m not going to leave you like this, so why don’t you make this easier for both of us and tell me now.” 

Donghyuck lifted his head and wiped at the lingering tears under his eyes. He wasn’t fully crying anymore, but a few tears still managed to slip out and carve gentle tracks down his cheeks. “I don’t even know really,” he huffed, “I’m just so damn sensitive.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being sensitive.”

Donghyuck let out a pained laugh, “There is with this job.” 

Johnny shrugged. “Maybe, but only if you don’t let other people help you.” 

“Is this your way of saying you’d like to help me?”

“I always want to help you, dumbass,” Johnny chuckled as he flicked Donghyuck’s arm. 

Donghyuck smiled then, because he knew Johnny was being sincere. He looked up at the ceiling, unshed tears pooling in the corners of his eyes. “Sometimes, I just think-” he took a shaky breath, “I just think that Dream might be better off without me on their team.”

Johnny let out a confused sound beside him. “Why would you say that?”

Donghyuck took a deep breath and turned his face towards his knees again. “Well, for one, I can’t give them my full attention and effort when I’m also busy preparing with another group. I miss practices. I miss recording sessions. I miss tours. I don’t even live with them. And when I finally do get to go practice or tour with them, I’m so tired from doing the same stuff with 127 that I’m almost always burnt out.

“Not to mention the fact that I feel like an outsider. I mean, these are my _best_ friends, but I miss out on so much time with them, I feel like they don’t see me that same way. They’ve got inside jokes that I'll never know the meaning to, shared experiences that I’ll never be able to relate to. Would they even notice if I was gone? Would they care?” His voice trickled off, leaving his tear-soaked question hanging in the air. Donghyuck was finding it increasingly difficult to breathe. It felt good to release these feelings from the confines of his chest, but he knew he had riled himself up in the process. Johnny must have known this too, as he started to rub slow circles in between Donghyuck’s shoulder blades. 

“Breathe, okay? I know you don’t want to hear it, but you need to do it.”

Johnny was right. Donghyuck hated advice like that. _Calm down, just breathe, it’ll all be okay, don’t worry._ They all felt so patronizing to him. So condescending. But, he did it anyway, breathing in and out until the tightness in his lungs had subsided. His heart was still beating at an alarming pace, but he could breathe again. 

“Better?” Johnny leaned into Donghyuck’s periphery. 

“Yes, Dad.”

Johnny smiled and leaned back against the wall, placing his hands in his lap. “Do you want me to tell you what I think you should do?”

 _No._ “Sure,” Donghyuck sighed. 

“I think you should tell them how you’re feeling.”

Donghyuck whipped his head around to face Johnny where he was seated behind him. “Are you crazy? They would just laugh at me and tell me I’m being stupid.”

“I don’t know,” Johnny paused for a moment, “Is there really no one who would understand? They’re your best friends, Haechan.” 

Donghyuck paused to think about it. Was there someone who he would feel comfortable talking to about these feelings? Jaemin and Chenle were a definite no. He loved them, but they were the most likely to take it as some sort of joke. He wouldn’t want to bother Jisung, so he was out of the picture too. Renjun… 

He audibly sighed. He couldn’t talk to Renjun. Not yet. 

“Maybe Jeno?” Donghyuck shrugged. He was reminded of Jeno’s look of concern earlier that day. “I think he can tell something is off with me anyway.”

Johnny nodded and stood up. “Then talk to Jeno. _Tomorrow._ ”

“Tomorrow?” Donghyuck pouted. 

Johnny ruffled the younger boy’s hair and smiled. “Tomorrow.”

As Johnny left the room to shower and get ready for bed, Donghyuck burrowed under his blankets and turned to face the window. The curtains had been drawn, but a tiny sliver of light from the bustling city outside still managed to peek through. He wanted to stay awake and plan out what he was going to say to Jeno the next day, but his body and mind were exhausted. He quickly slipped into a deep, dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked the first chapter! <3
> 
> Follow me on Twitter [here](https://twitter.com/babyspacealien)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haechan tells the dreamies about his insecurities, but it doesn't go exactly how he'd expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about how angsty this is so far, but I promise there are good things to come!

The next morning was all a blur. 

Donghyuck knew he had eaten breakfast and somehow gotten his numb limbs into his dance clothes. He had texted Jeno at some point to let him know that he wanted to talk to him that afternoon. Jeno responded quickly with a thumbs up, and that was that. 

He hadn’t been lying the night before when he said 127 had early practice the next morning. Normally he dreaded the early-morning dance practices because they were somehow much more intense than the afternoon ones. The only practice time he hated more than the early-morning were the ones late at night, the ones that stretched into the next day’s morning. The ones where his body and mind were already at their limits, but he didn’t have the option to stop. None of them did. That being said, Donghyuck was actually thankful for 127’s practice that morning. It helped to keep his mind busy instead of worrying about a certain conversation that he was going to have later that day. 

He made it through almost the entire morning without ever thinking of it, but anxiety has a way of slipping through even the smallest crack in one’s mind, a plague on the brain. Donghyuck felt like he was moving in slow motion while the rest of his members were dancing and talking and _living_ at double speed. Donghyuck knew he must be acting funny because Taeyong kept glancing at them during their short breaks. Their eyes met in the mirror, and suddenly Donghyuck’s world was in high definition. All of his thoughts came rushing back to him in a tidal wave of self-doubt and anxiety. He shook his head and willed the world to become blurry again. 

Soon enough they were all back at the dorm, Johnny being nice enough to let Donghyuck have the first shower. He took his time underneath the stream, letting the warm water flow over the tense muscles of his shoulders and back. He turned the knob as far as it would go, the water nearly scalding, before completely turning it off and getting out. He toweled off his body as best he could and wrapped the towel around his waist. Donghyuck stood there for a moment, the steam creating a cloud around his head and slightly obscuring his vision. He walked up to the mirror above the sink and wiped his hand over it, revealing his face. He looked himself over, his face and body completely red from the heat of the water, his hair still dripping water down his cheeks and neck. A knock sounded from the other side of the door, Johnny letting Donghyuck know that he needed to hurry up. He quickly grabbed his clothes off of the floor and opened the door. 

“Took you long enough,” Johnny said as Donghyuck stepped out of the bathroom. Johnny ruffled his wet hair before going to take his own shower. 

Donghyuck stared at the closed bathroom door, spacing out for a moment, before coming back to reality and getting dressed. He put on a pair of ripped jeans, a comfortable sweatshirt, combed his damp hair with his fingers, and grabbed his glasses. He sent a quick text to Jeno letting him know that Donghyuck would be there soon and sat down on his bed to put on his shoes. He wanted to shout to Johnny that he was leaving, but it seemed like it would take too much energy. He put in his AirPods and walked to the Dream dorm as slowly as possible. 

***

Donghyuck could hear a commotion on the other side of the door. It sounded like the members were playing some sort of video game in their living room, if the occasional screams of defeat and laughter were anything to go by. He paused before knocking twice. The noises inside paused, muffled speech bled through the cracks and the sound of footsteps drew nearer. The door swung open to reveal the face of one Huang Renjun. Renjun’s eyes widened in surprise, and Donghyuck felt his do the same. 

“Haechan, I didn’t know you were coming over?” Renjun’s voice pitched up in question.

Donghyuck lifted his arm to scratch the back of his neck. “Yeah, I really just came to talk to Jeno about something.” 

Renjun’s face seemed to go slack, his eyebrows drooping and mouth set in a straight line. “Oh, okay then. I’ll go grab him.” He stepped back to let Donghyuck in, turning to go find Jeno. Donghyuck slipped his shoes off and made his way to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. Renjun entered the kitchen then, Jeno in tow.

“We’re playing FIFA now if you want to join us when you’re done.” Renjun’s voice was sharp, and he walked away before Donghyuck could answer. Donghyuck wondered what he could have done in the last two minutes to invoke such a harsh tone from the other boy, but Jeno just rolled his eyes and shook his head, grabbing Donghyuck’s arm to lead him into his room. 

As soon as they entered Jeno’s room Donghyuck sat on his bed, scooting up to lean against the wall. Jeno followed and sat at the end of the bed, facing Donghyuck. They sat in an awkward silence for what seemed like an eternity before Jeno cleared his throat. 

“So, what’s going on?” Jeno asked.

“How do you know something is going on?” Donghyuck said as he tucked his knees to his chest. 

Jeno looked unimpressed. They made eye contact for several moments until Donghyuck gave up, moving to sit cross-legged with his hands in his lap. 

He sighed. “I guess I’ll start at the beginning.”

Donghyuck told Jeno everything, about his fear of people not liking him, the events that happened to him in school, his feelings of inadequacy, everything. He talked for what seemed like hours, but was probably only several minutes. Jeno sat and listened. He never interrupted, only nodded his head and hummed in understanding. When Donghyuck was finally finished and felt like he had no air left in his lungs, Jeno moved up the bed and bumped Donghyuck to get him to move over. Now sitting next to Donghyuck, Jeno wrapped his arms around the other boy’s shoulder and pushed Donghyuck’s head to lay on his shoulder. 

“Why haven’t you mentioned this before?” Jeno whispered, his breath tickling the hair on top of Donghyuck’s head. 

“I was scared you all would think it was some big joke, or that you’d tell me I was right to think these things.” 

Jeno sat up then, pushing Donghyuck up by the shoulders. Jeno’s eyes were watery with unshed tears. Donghyuck knew Jeno was exceptionally empathetic, but he was still surprised by the show of emotion. 

“What-”

“How can you not know how much you mean to us?” Jeno’s voice wavered. 

Donghyuck was taken aback. “What do you mean?”

“You know we joke around because we love you, right?” A tear fell as he blinked. 

“I do know that,” Donghyuck affirmed, “but I have a messed up brain that tells me I’m wrong.” His voice cut out on the last word, his own unexpected tears spilling over. 

Jeno hugged him then, tight. Donghyuck could feel where Jeno’s tears dripped onto his shirt. They stayed like that until their positions became uncomfortable, Donghyuck sucking in a much-needed breath of air once Jeno moved away. Jeno placed one of his hands on Donghyuck’s shoulder and swallowed.

“Are you going to talk to the others? Because I’ll do it for you, if you want.” 

Donghyuck almost burst into a fresh set of tears because of Jeno’s kindness, but he instead shook his head. 

“Thank you, really, but I feel like that’s something I need to do for myself.”

Jeno squeezed his shoulder and smiled, his eyes still red and puffy. “Just take your time, okay? Don’t push yourself before you’re ready.”

Donghyuck nodded, his head flopping down to lay in Jeno’s lap. He put his hands up to cover his face as he groaned. “Jeez, I’m so fucking tired now. Having emotions is exhausting.”

Donghyuck could feel Jeno’s laugh all the way down to his thighs. “I agree,” he said while staring at the door with a hint of a smile. Donghyuck raised his eyebrow but didn’t question it. 

Do you want to watch a movie or something to calm down? I can go grab some snacks,” Jeno asked as he carded his hands through Donghyuck’s hair. He nodded.

“I think you should wait on the snacks, though.” Jeno peered down at him, puzzled. “You look like you’ve been crying,” Donghyuck laughed. 

Jeno chuckled and moved to grab his laptop on the bedside table. “Alright, I’ll wait. _And_ ,” he paused for effect, “I’ll even let you pick what movie we watch,” he said, opening the laptop with a snap.

“Wow, so you’re saying I should come to you crying more often?”

“Just pick the movie, dumbass.” Jeno ruffled Donghyuck’s hair.

Donghyuck smiled up at him from where he was still laying in Jeno’s lap. “Thank you, for everything.” He hoped Jeno knew how much he meant it. 

Jeno continued to brush through Donghyuck’s hair with his fingers. “Of course,” he smiled, “now pick a movie or I’m going to go get snacks.”

“I’m working on it!”

***

Donghyuck stayed holed up in Jeno’s room for the equivalent of three movies and about 20 YouTube videos. He only left to use the bathroom twice, sprinting down the hall each time so that no one would see him. He knew he was being silly, but he didn’t think he had the emotional stamina to talk to any of the others at that moment. Donghyuck felt at ease for the first time in months, and he wanted to hold onto that feeling for as long as he could. He did have to leave eventually, though. He hugged Jeno goodbye and promised he’d eat a proper dinner as soon as he got back. 

He leaned over to put his shoes back on when he felt a tap on his shoulder. When he straightened, Renjun was standing behind him and holding a plastic bag out towards Donghyuck. 

“What’s this for?” Donghyuck asked as he took the bag from Renjun. Their hands brushed for a moment before Renjun pulled away. 

“I went to the convenience store earlier and picked up some snacks,” Renjun shrugged. “I thought you might want some.” 

Donghyuck’s heart leapt at the thought of Renjun buying something specifically for him. He looked inside of the bag to find many of his favorite snacks. He wondered how Renjun had known he liked them, as a few of the snacks were somewhat obscure. 

“Thank you, I’ll treasure them forever,” he said with as stoic of a face and tone as he could muster.

Renjun punched him in the shoulder, breaking his sober expression. “Fuck you,” he said with a smile. “Just get back safely, alright?”

Donghyuck nodded and made his way out the door, closing it slowly behind him. He let out a deep breath he hadn’t known he was holding and started the walk back to the 127 dorm. He thought about what to say to the rest of the members while he walked. Would they be as acceptive and supportive as Jeno was? Or would they think he was weak? 

The city lights flashed around him in an array of colors. The night air was cool, but not unbearingly so. It wasn’t autumn quite yet, but anyone could tell that it was right around the corner. Donghyuck pulled his hood over his head and continued walking. He was so engrossed in his own thoughts that he hadn’t realized he had taken a wrong turn somewhere and was now in the middle of an abandoned park. The noises of the city were all around him still, but this park was like a little oasis amid the chaos. It wasn’t much, just some trees and rocks, one bench that looked like it was falling apart, and he thought he saw an owl in one of the trees. He heard the rush of water ahead of him, and realized he must have walked to the Han River, though he had never seen this park before on previous visits. 

It seemed incredibly secluded, like no one had touched this spot for years. It was hard to think that a place like this still existed in the city. He tested the bench’s strength with his foot before sitting on it, just to make sure it wouldn’t give out underneath him. He sat down and tilted his head back to gaze up at the starless sky. _What would it be like, to see a sky filled with stars every night?_ Donghyuck wondered. He closed his eyes and imagined what it might be like, getting sucked into the depths of space, eyes alight with the reflection of the cosmos. 

Donghyuck’s phone sounded into the night air, bringing him back down to Earth. He checked his messages to see a text from Johnny asking where he was. He quickly texted him back saying he would be home soon, and pulled up a map on his phone to find his way back to the dorm. 

_Funny, this place doesn’t even show up on the map._ He zoomed in to try and find the name of the park, but all that showed up was an empty green space where he stood. He was still able to get the directions back, however, so he grabbed his bag of snacks and left his little sanctuary behind, starting towards the blinking lights.

***

Several busy days passed, and Donghyuck scarcely had any time to dwell on his personal issues between 127’s dance practices and his vocal lessons. However, the stars aligned to give him one blessedly free Saturday afternoon. He knew it would be his best chance to have his talk with the rest of the NCT Dream members before his schedule was filled again, so he texted Jeno to ask if he could round them all up and keep them occupied until Donghyuck got there. He texted back with an affirmative yes, he could do that, and that he was proud of Donghyuck no matter what. 

Donghyuck smiled down at his phone and left the dorm as quickly as possible. He didn’t want to give himself any time to overthink, so he turned the volume of his music up tenfold while making his way over to the dreamies’ dorm. 

Soon enough he was standing in front of the door once again, steeling himself for the difficult conversation to come. He knocked three times and waited a few moments before the door opened, revealing a sunny Jeno. 

“Hey Hyuckie!” he welcomed with an almost blinding smile. “Come on in!”

“No need to be _too_ enthusiastic,” Donghyuck whispered to Jeno as he walked past. 

“Sorry,” Jeno whispered back. “I just want to make you feel less nervous.” 

Donghyuck placed his hand on Jeno’s shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. “You’ve done more than enough, thank you.”

Jeno smiled and led Donghyuck into the living room where the rest of the boys were sat on and around the couch. 

“Haechan hyung!” Jisung exclaimed, obviously surprised at the other boy’s presence.

Jaemin sprung up from the couch and nearly knocked Donghyuck to the ground with the force of his hug. “Haechannie!” he yelled directly in Donghyuck’s ear. “We didn’t know you were coming! Do you want to watch a movie with us?” he asked while rocking their bodies side-to-side, Donghyuck still trapped in Jaemin’s embrace. 

“Yeah, sure-” Donghyuck attempted to push Jaemin off to no avail, “but first I actually want to talk to you guys about something.”

He must have seemed serious enough because Jaemin immediately let go to stand in front of Donghyuck. He looked puzzled, rightfully so. Donghyuck was never really serious, especially with all of them at the same time. Maybe he would get a little deep during late-night conversations, but those were usually with just one person, and they were also usually drunk. 

“Is everything alright?” Renjun asked from his spot on the floor.

Donghyuck’s hands started to feel clammy, the skin on his cheeks heating up with every passing second. He took a few deep breaths to try and calm down. “Not really, but I hope that things will be after I say this.”

All of the members except for Jeno wore expressions of extreme confusion. Jaemin returned to his spot on the couch, probably realizing he would need to sit for this conversation. Their eyes felt like heat lamps on his skin, burning and bright. Jeno nodded in his periphery, silently encouraging him to speak.

And he did. Just how he told Jeno, he explained his situation from the very beginning. His fears and insecurities, how he’s been coping with them thus far, why he felt like he needed to bring it up with them. He explained as best he could, making sure to clarify that he doesn't fault them in any way. How could they have known? 

“I love all of you, and I know you all love me too. There’s just some things that I’m really sensitive about, and I thought it was time that you knew.” He took a deep breath at the end of his sentence. He was still nervous for their reactions, but he also felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his chest. 

Jeno immediately stood up and hugged him. “I’m so proud of you,” he whispered in Donghyuck’s ear. Donghyuck smiled as he pulled away, turning to see that Chenle was standing right next to him. 

“I’m so, so sorry, hyung. I really didn’t know.” He moved to hug Donghyuck as well. “I promise it won’t happen again,” he said as he hugged the older boy even tighter. 

“Don’t worry, I know.” He felt a pair of arms reach around his back and a face nuzzle into his neck. 

“I’m sorry, Hyuckie.” Jaemin’s voice was muffled, but Donghyuck could tell he was being sincere. 

Jisung replaced Chenle when he let go, the taller boy’s face scrunched up like he was trying not to cry. 

“Awe, Jisungie, it’s okay!” Donghyuck laughed and gave him a big hug. 

“I didn’t know how you felt, but I still feel bad for not knowing,” Jisung said into his hair. 

Donghyuck patted him on the back. “Don't worry about it, okay?” He pulled away to hold Jisung out in front of him. “You know now, right? That’s all that matters.”

Jisung nodded and wiped away a stray tear, going to stand by Chenle again.

There was only one person left to hug, and that person was still sitting on the floor, eyes trained straight ahead at the wall in front of him. Jeno must have noticed something was off with him too, because he took a step towards him.

“Renjun-” Jeno started, but stopped when Renjun suddenly stood up, knees knocking against the coffee table. 

Jaemin tried to talk to him this time, barely getting out an “Are you alright?” before Renjun was running out of the living room and down the hall to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him and clicking the lock into place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading! I'd love to read your comments about what you think of the story so far.
> 
> Follow me on Twitter [here](https://twitter.com/babyspacealien)
> 
> (P.S. If any of you actually know how far apart the NCT 127 and NCT Dream dorms are, please let me know. Thank you!)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donghyuck and Renjun have the talk they probably should've had long before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be much longer, but I got a bit carried away and decided to split this chapter in two parts instead (otherwise it would be ridiculously long). 
> 
> Please enjoy this chapter!

The silence that followed was deafening, the rest of the members rooted in place as they tried to process what had just happened.

“What just happened?” Jaemin echoed everyone’s thoughts, shattering the stillness of the room. 

“I think Renjun is upset,” whispered Jisung.

“Yeah, no shit,” said Chenle, lightly hitting Jisung in the back. “We’re all upset, but what’s with that reaction?”

Jeno nudged Donghyuck and leaned down to whisper in his ear. “Did you see his face? It looked like he was crying.”

Donghyuck’s eyes widened in surprise. Crying in this situation wasn’t something to be shocked about, Jisung had just been crying and no one batted an eye. But running out of the room _while_ crying? That was odd. 

“I think I should probably go talk to him,” Jeno announced to the group. He was about to walk to Renjun’s room when Donghyuck put a hand out to stop him.

“Let me. He’s obviously upset about something I said, so I should be the one to check on him.”

Jeno smiled knowingly. “Yeah, go for it.”

Donghyuck raised his eyebrow before making his way over to Renjun’s door. He knocked twice, softly. “Junnie? It’s just Haechannie, can we talk?”

He heard shuffling from behind the door and a quiet click as it was unlocked. Donghyuck took that as his invitation to come in, so he sent a quick thumbs up to the other guys who were watching the scene from the living room and opened the door. It was hard to see anything in the dim light of the room. He shut the door behind him and turned around to see the outline of Renjun sitting on the edge of his bed, hands in his lap and head facing the floor. 

Donghyuck sighed and walked over to where Renjun was seated, sitting down gently as to not jostle the other boy too much. They sat like that for a few moments, letting Donghyuck’s eyes adjust. The only sounds in the room were Donghyuck’s breathing and Renjun’s quiet sniffles. 

“Are you mad at me?” Donghyuck whispered into the heavy silence. 

“What?” Renjun looked at him, his eyes rimmed red and puffy. “How could you think that?”

Donghyuck threw his hands up in the air. “I don’t know, maybe because I told you some of my deepest secrets and then you ran out of the room?”

Renjun’s eyes were glossy and he looked like he was about to cry again, so Donghyuck tried to backtrack before he made things worse.

“No no, it’s totally fine, I understand if you are. I should’ve told you guys sooner.”

Renjun looked down at his hands. “I _am_ mad.”

Donghyuck blinked. The confirmation hurt more than he thought it would.

“But not with you.” Renjun wiped the oncoming tears away with the backs of his hands. “I’m mad at myself.” 

“What?” Donghyuck was confused. 

Renjun looked him in the eyes then. “I hurt you, Hyuckie. And I didn’t even know I was doing it.”

“You didn’t know, so why do you feel bad about it?”

“Because I _should_ have known!” Renjun cried. He bent over as he sobbed, his words coming out in choked stutters. “I knew something was wrong, I could feel it, but I never reached out to you. I never did _anything_. I was never there when you needed someone.” He gasped for air and clutched at his chest. His shirt sleeves were soaked through with tears. “To know I’ve- _we’ve_ been hurting you all this time, it kills me.” 

Donghyuck was at a loss for words. How could he think he’s to blame? Donghyuck reached out to Renjun almost instinctively and wrapped his arms around him. Renjun seemed to cry harder then, grasping at Donghyuck’s shirt like it was his lifeline. And maybe it was. Donghyuck could feel Renjun’s tears soaking through the fabric, but he didn’t mind. One of his hands came up to run through the hair at the nape of Renjun’s neck, his thumbs rubbing slow circles into the warm skin. They held onto each other as long as they could, long after Renjun had calmed down and his breathing had evened. They took one last deep breath together and held on a little tighter, like neither one wanted to let go, before finally parting. 

Renjun coughed. “Wow, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for that to be-” he paused and stared at Donghyuck’s face, “were you crying too?” 

“Was I?” Donghyuck was about to scrub away the leftover tears when Renjun reached out his own hands to cup the other boy’s face. Donghyuck’s skin was warm where Renjun touched, his thumbs gently brushing the tears from Donghyuck’s cheeks. Their eyes met, and Renjun gave him a small smile. Donghyuck felt a little woozy, like Renjun could knock him over with one breath. Renjun eventually pulled away to rub at his own eyes, and Donghyuck finally felt like he could breathe again. Renjun was still looking away when Donghyuck placed his hand softly on the other’s knee. 

“You’re not at fault here, okay?” Donghyuck whispered.

“But-”

“I know you think you could’ve said something, but I wasn’t ready to admit how I felt anyway, so I probably wouldn’t have told you. Or anyone.”

“ _Probably_.” Renjun huffed. He still seemed like he didn’t believe Donghyuck, so the younger boy took a deep breath and tried again.

“You’re my best friend, you know that, right?”

Renjun’s eyes widened. “Me? I thought it was Mark.”

“We’re close friends for sure, and he’s _one_ of my best friends, but you’re my _bestest_ best friend. My number one.” Donghyuck had to hold himself back from saying much more, he didn’t want to give himself away quite so easily. 

Renjun laughed, his voice still a little hoarse. “I don’t think _bestest_ is a real word.”

“It is! Look it up!”

Renjun shook his head and smiled, his bangs flopping in front of his face. He pushed them back as he looked up at Donghyuck. “Am I really your number one best friend?”

Donghyuck nodded. “I’m close with everyone, but I feel like I click the most with you, do you know what I mean?” Donghyuck felt like he was starting to sweat with how close to the truth he really was.

“I do. I wasn’t sure if you felt the same way, though.” Renjun whispered to his hands still clasped on his lap. 

Donghyuck’s heart soared. He realized his hand was still on Renjun’s knee, so he decided to be brave and give it a little squeeze before pulling away. 

“But doesn’t that make it worse?” Renjun’s eyes were still trained on his hands, his bangs shielding them from Donghyuck’s view.

“What do you mean?”

Renjun looked up again, his eyes beginning to water. “If we’re best friends, shouldn’t I have done something sooner? I was still hurting you with my words, best friend or not.” 

Donghyuck sighed and shook his head. “But see, best friends don’t always have to understand everything about each other. They hurt each other, knowingly or unknowingly. But what’s special about best friends is that they always forgive each other, because they know that their friendship is more important than anything else. They become better people because of it. You’re not going to call me annoying anymore, right?”

“Of course not!” Renjun replied immediately. 

“Well, then you’ve apologized, I’ve forgiven you, and now we’re both better people. I know that I need to communicate better, and you know you need to confront me if you feel like something is wrong, right?”

Renjun nodded, wiping away the few tears that had escaped while Donghyuck was talking. “When did you get so wise?”

“Hey, I’ve always been wise! It’s just that none of you listen to my words of wisdom!” He lightly punched Renjun on the shoulder, eliciting a giggle from the older boy. 

“So, everything is fine now? Just like that?”

“Just like that.” Donghyuck would have said anything to make Renjun happy again, but he really meant every word. 

Renjun grabbed Donghyuck’s hand and held on tightly. “You’re my best friend too, you know. In case I didn’t make that clear.”

Donghyuck didn’t trust himself to speak, so he just smiled and nodded, squeezing Renjun’s hand in assurance. He almost lost his mind when Renjun’s thumb started rubbing circles on the back of Donghyuck’s hand, their eyes still locked together. A knock came from the other side of the door, and they quickly pulled away as if their hands were on fire. 

Jaemin poked his head out from behind the door. Donghyuck had forgotten to lock it when he came in.

“Everything going alright in here?” 

“Yep, we’re good,” said Donghyuck. Renjun nodded and gave a thumbs-up.

Jaemin must have noticed their red, tear-stained faces because he asked, “Are you sure? Anything we can help with?”

Renjun shook his head. “Nope. I think we’re good now, right Hyuckie?”

Donghyuck turned to find Renjun already looking at him. He smiled. “Right, Junnie.”

***

And it was true. Everything _was_ fine after that. The boys still teased Donghyuck of course, but not in a way that was detrimental to his mental health. Donghyuck, however, had another problem to deal with. Since their talk in Renjun’s room, the two boys had been spending _a lot_ of time together. Donghyuck loved it, he really did, but it was becoming more and more difficult to hide his ever-growing feelings. 

If Donghyuck wasn’t at the Dream dorm, Renjun was at the 127 dorm. Not when they were practicing, of course, but any amount of free time they had was spent together. Donghyuck was in shock the first time Renjun came to the dorm. Their schedules hadn’t allowed them much free time until several weeks after their heart-to-heart, deep into the autumn season. Renjun hadn’t let Donghyuck know he was coming, so when Jaehyun texted him that Renjun was at the door with snacks, Donghyuck nearly tripped in his hurry to meet him.

“Excited?” Renjun quirked his eyebrow. He must have noticed how frazzled Donghyuck was. 

“Jaehyun said you have snacks,” he said, congratulating himself on the nice save. 

Renjun laughed and held up the plastic bag. “I do have snacks, but they’re not all for you. You have to share them with the others.” 

Donghyuck was going to make a fuss, but Renjun was still smiling at him behind his glasses, making the younger boy feel weak in the knees. He could even smell Renjun’s apple shampoo from where he was standing, which was not helping Donghyuck’s situation. He pointed to the kitchen counter. 

“You can just leave them there, then. They’ll probably be gone by tomorrow.”

“They wouldn’t make it an hour in the Dream dorm,” Renjun laughed.

Donghyuck drew quiet then, the separate dorm situation was still a touchy situation for him. He knew he was being a baby about it, but he hated the idea that he was missing out on their shared experiences, however small. 

Renjun stopped laughing when Donghyuck didn’t respond. He paused for a moment, face drawn in a blank question, before his hands flew up to his mouth and he gasped. 

“Hyuckie, I’m sorry. I really forgot-”

“It’s okay,” Donghyuck interrupted, shaking his head. “I’m just being sensitive.” 

Renjun took Donghyuck’s hand in his and squeezed. “And that’s okay. You can’t control stuff like that.”

Donghyuck nodded, preoccupied with the feeling of Renjun’s cold fingers wrapped around his own warm hand. _Did he not wear gloves?_ Donghyuck made a mental note to get him some before the weather turned even colder. 

Renjun sighed and let go. “I wish you could just live with us. We could even share a room.”

The thought of sharing a room with Renjun was almost too much, so he just laughed and snagged a bag of chips from the counter now filled with snacks. 

“Wanna watch a movie in my room?” Donghyuck asked, changing the topic. 

“Only if you let me pick the movie,” Renjun sing-songed. 

Donghyuck rolled his eyes in fein annoyance. “Alright, fine. Let’s go.” 

They ended up watching two movies in their entirety and started a third one, which Renjun let Donghyuck pick. They were both tired by that point, so Donghyuck picked one that they had seen before. He tried his best to stay awake, but he fell asleep somewhere in the second half of the film. 

Donghyuck woke up to the sound of his laptop shutting and Renjun moving to set it on the bedside table, but he was still too tired to get up, so he kept his eyes closed and faded in and out of consciousness. He felt the bed shift beside him as Renjun moved. Donghyuck guessed that he was getting ready to leave and didn’t want to wake the younger boy up. He was just about to fall back asleep when he felt a hand guide his head to the side to rest on what Donghyuck could only assume was Renjun’s shoulder. Renjun’s hand started carding through Donghyuck’s hair, and he was definitely awake now. He did his best to act like he was asleep, but it was difficult trying to keep his body pliant with his heart racing like it was. The smell of Renjun’s shampoo was even stronger from where Donghyuck’s nose was tucked into the shorter boy’s neck. 

Renjun shifted again, this time his other hand coming to rest on Donghyuck’s. He gently played with Donghyuck’s fingers for a moment, just holding them, bending them, and rubbing them with his thumb. 

“Pretty,” he muttered so quietly that Donghyuck almost missed it. 

Donghyuck’s lungs felt like they were on fire with how hard he was trying not to lose it. What was he supposed to do? He couldn’t “wake up” now, or Renjun might realize that Donghyuck heard him. But he also didn’t know how much longer he could stay still with Renjun’s hands still brushing through his hair and holding Donghyuck’s hand. And he had called Donghyuck pretty? Did he hear that right? He couldn’t think about it now, he had bigger things to worry about. He was contemplating holding his breath until he actually passed out when Johnny walked in to save the day. 

“Is he asleep?” he whispered to Renjun.

“Yeah, he’s been out for a while. I just didn’t want to move and wake him up,” Renjun whispered back. Donghyuck noticed how Renjun’s hands retreated back to their owner, leaving him feeling cold. 

“Here, I’ll grab him while you slip away.” Donghyuck could feel Renjun nodding in response. The next thing he knew he was being gently lifted by Johnny’s strong arms while Renjun shifted away and onto the floor. 

“It’s pretty late,” Donghyuck heard Johnny whisper, “I’ll ask the manager to give you a ride back.”

“Thanks, hyung. Have a good night.” Donghyuck heard the bedroom door open. “And maybe throw a blanket on Haechan so he doesn’t get too cold.”

“Will do. Get back safely.” 

Donghyuck heard the door close and Johnny’s footsteps approach the bedside. He grabbed one of the blankets folded at the end of Donghyuck’s bed and draped it over him before getting ready for bed himself. It was only when Donghyuck was sure Johnny was asleep did he come alive again. He squeezed his eyes shut tight and brought his hands up to cover his face, his smile so wide it almost hurt.

Renjun had called him pretty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are you liking the story so far? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!
> 
> Stay tuned for something ~steamy~ in the next chapter. 
> 
> Follow me on Twitter [here](https://twitter.com/babyspacealien)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donghyuck finally gets to return to his little park, though his time there goes a little differently than before.
> 
> TW: Alcohol Consumption

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I'm a college student with depression, so sometimes things take a little longer than they normally would lol. I hope you guys enjoy it! 
> 
> (This is so self-indulgent holy shit.)

Donghyuck wasn’t sure how to act after that. Nevertheless, he and Renjun were spending whatever free time they had together, meaning that Donghyuck had to suppress his memories of that night so as to not make things weird between them. Sometimes it was easy, like when they were teasing each other while playing games or when they were hanging out with other members of NCT. Sometimes, though, it was hard. Like when they would listen to music together and Renjun would sing. Donghyuck knew he had hearts in his eyes, but he couldn’t very well help it. Or when they would hang out late at night, long after the other members had retired to their rooms. Their conversations were deeper then, more open. Again, very difficult for Donghyuck to keep his feelings in control.

Soon enough winter was upon them, and NCT 2020’s promotions were in full swing. The most time Renjun and Donghyuck got to spend together was in the car, driving to and from their events. If the others noticed how close they had gotten, no one mentioned it. The duo still bickered as usual, so nobody seemed to think too much of it. 

Their days and nights were hectic. From promoting “From Home” and then “90’s Love,” to practicing for “Resonance” and NCT’s end-of-the-year performances, Donghyuck was exhausted. He had barely any free time whatsoever. Luckily, they were able to have one full day of rest before the start of the “Resonance Pt. 2” promotions and the year’s end festivities. Most members decided to take that day to catch up on sleep and laze around, eating their weight in ramyeon. Donghyuck, however, was feeling particularly bold and decided to get up at 10 o’clock that morning, much earlier than he normally would have. He hadn’t forgotten about that little abandoned park he managed to come across so many weeks ago, but he hadn’t had the time to go back and see if it existed in the daylight. So that was Donghyuck’s plan for his day off: buy some food, find the park, eat the food in the park, and just enjoy being actually alone. What was _not_ in his plan was Renjun, sitting on the kitchen counter like he owned the place. 

“Renjunnie?” he tried to hide his surprise, “What are you doing here?”

Renjun shrugged and hopped down from the counter. “It’s our day off, so I thought maybe we could all go eat together or something.” Donghyuck didn’t answer right away, still shocked at Renjun’s presence. Renjun’s face fell. “Unless you don’t want to, or you have other plans…” he trailed off, choosing to stare at his feet rather than look Donghyuck in the eye. 

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” Donghyuck shook his head, “It’s just that I actually _do_ already have plans for today.” 

“Ah, right,” Renjun breathed a halfhearted laugh and nodded. “I’ll just, uh, go-” Renjun turned to leave, when Donghyuck threw his hand out to catch the other boy’s wrist. Renjun looked down at his wrist, his eyes traveling up to meet Donghyuck’s with a raised eyebrow. “Yes?”

Donghyuck paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts. A possibly brilliant, possibly terrible idea popped into his head. “Why don’t you come with me?”

Renjun only seemed more confused. “Come with you? Where are you going?” 

“It’s a secret,” Donghyuck grinned. “You can’t tell anyone else, okay?”

Renjun’s eyebrow climbed higher and higher up his forehead as his confusion, and now concern, grew. “Why do I feel like you’re going to take me to a dark alleyway and push me into a dumpster,” he wiggled his wrist to try and get the younger to let go. 

“It’s a good place, I promise.” Donghyuck gripped Renjun’s wrist a little tighter before letting go.

Renjun squinted at the other boy while rubbing at his now-free wrist. “If you’re fucking with me Lee Haechan I swear to god-”

“I promise I’m not.” He stuck out his pinky for Renjun to grab with his own. The older boy hesitated for a second, but eventually gave in and wrapped his pinky around Donghyuck’s.

“So, where are we going then?” 

“Just grab your coat and follow me.”

***

“You’re really not going to tell me, are you?”

The boys had just gotten some food at a nearby stand and were now on their way to Donghyuck’s destination. Renjun had tried to pry the location out of Donghyuck to no avail. 

“You just have to trust me, Injunnie,” Donghyuck said as he patted Renjun on the back. 

“You don’t make it easy.”

“What? I’m a very trustworthy guy!” Donghyuck clutched his heart, “When have I ever wronged you?” 

Renjun scoffed, “Do you want me to make a list? Because I can. There was that one time we were at the beach when you grabbed my towel and-”

“Alright, we don’t need to talk about it now,” Donghyuck hastily interrupted. “Besides, we’re here!” Donghyuck opened his hands wide, gesturing to the little park in front of them. Renjun seemed to be taking it all in. The snow-covered ground, the trees, the rocks, and the little bench that looked like it would fall apart at any second. 

“You made me walk in the freezing cold for _this_?” Renjun turned to look at Donghyuck, a dumbfounded look on his face. 

“I know it doesn’t look like much, but just sit here with me, okay? You’ll feel it too.” Donghyuck moved towards the bench, looking back at Renjun. “This place is something special.”

Donghyuck brushed the snow off of the old bench and sat down, thanking every deity that it didn’t collapse under his weight. He heard Renjun sigh behind him and his footsteps crunching through the untouched snow as he approached. He came around to stand in front of Donghyuck, his eyes flitting between the younger boy and the other side of the broken bench. 

“How are we both going to sit on this thing?” Renjun asked. 

Donghyuck patted the old wood beside him. “Geon’s stronger than he looks.”

“Geon? You named the bench?” Renjun’s eyes were alight with amusement. 

He hadn’t, but it seemed fitting in the moment. “Of course I did! Geon and I go way back.” 

“Oh? Do tell,” Renjun said as he gingerly sat down on the other side of the bench. Donghyuck was honestly surprised it didn’t buckle under their weight, but of course he wouldn’t admit it. 

So Donghyuck recounted his story of how he found the little park. About how he had been lost in his thoughts and had wandered far from where he should have been, about the feeling of peace it gave him. 

“I felt like it gave me the strength to do something I had been really scared to do. I honestly don’t know if I would have told you guys about my problems so soon after talking to Jeno if I hadn’t stumbled upon this place. It felt like magic.”

Renjun was silent for a moment before whispering, “You talked to Jeno before us?”

Donghyuck bit his bottom lip. He had forgotten the others didn’t know about his earlier conversation with Jeno. Renjun was staring directly into Donghyuck’s eyes then, as if he was challenging the other boy to try and save himself.

Donghyuck sighed and ran his cold hands over his face. “Yeah, I did. Can I tell you why?”

“Because you didn’t trust us enough? You didn’t trust _me_ enough?” Renjun’s cheeks started to redden. “What the hell Haechan? I thought I was supposed to be your best friend.” 

“Just-” Donghyuck reached out to grab Renjun’s hand, but the older boy pulled it away before he could get to it. Donghyuck tried again, more forcefully this time, and succeeded in sandwiching one of Renjun’s hands between his own. “Just listen to me, okay?” Renjun huffed, his annoyance clearly written on his face, but eventually nodded for Donghyuck to continue.

“The reason why I told Jeno first is because I knew he would be a good anchor for me if I got nervous or chickened out when telling the rest of you. He helped to keep me accountable and to face my fears instead of running from them like I’ve been doing all this time.”

“Why Jeno?” The silent _Why not me?_ hung in the freezing air between them. 

Donghyuck wasn’t sure what to say. _Because I can’t think or speak correctly when I’m around you? Because I didn’t want you to see me ugly cry? Because I probably would’ve confessed to you?_

“Because there are some things that I can’t talk about with you just yet.”

“But you can talk to Jeno about them?”

Donghyuck knew where this was going. “Yes.”

“I see.” Renjun tried to pry his hand away from Donghyuck, but the younger boy held on tighter.

“No, you don’t see. Look at me. Please, Junnie,” he pleaded. Renjun locked eyes with Donghyuck. His face was passive, but his eyes were on fire. “Look at me,” Donghyuck whispered. He willed Renjun to read his thoughts, to see them played out in his irises. Renjun stopped struggling and became more and more pliant by the second. 

Donghyuck shook the hand that was still between his own. “Please understand,” his voice barely a whisper, snatched away instantly by the cold wind. Renjun blinked slowly, and Donghyuck could almost see the gears shifting in his mind, the pieces locking in place. Renjun wasn’t dumb or oblivious. Donghyuck knew this was enough. Donghyuck thought Renjun must have come to some conclusion, because he moved his free hand and rested it on top of Donghyuck’s, before slowly peeling one of the younger boy’s hands away. Donghyuck looked up at Renjun, confused by his actions. The older boy just gave him a small smile in return and intertwined Donghyuck’s fingers with his own, setting their laced hands on the cold bench between them. 

Donghyuck’s mouth hung open in surprise. _This place really_ is _magic_. They sat like that for a while, letting their hands freeze to the bench like they were taking root there. They eventually parted when Renjun’s stomach began to growl, both of them realizing they had forgotten about their food. They laughed and ate their now-cold meals, slipping into easy conversation like nothing had happened. 

“Where are we, anyway?” Renjun asked when the conversation lulled. 

“The Han River is right beyond those trees,” said Donghyuck as he pointed ahead of them. 

“No way! And no one knows about this place?” Renjun sounded incredulous. 

Donghyuck shrugged. “Not that I know of. That’s why I wanted to come back here.”

“What do you mean?” 

“We never get to be truly alone with this job. People are always surrounding us no matter where we are. This is the first place where I’ve felt alone since I was 14.” Donghyuck looked up at the sky. It was beginning to snow, and the flakes got caught in his eyelashes. 

“Maybe it was a mistake for me to come with you, then.” Renjun mimicked Donghyuck’s pose and turned his face up to the sky. “You’re not really alone if I’m here.”

“You’re different,” Donghyuck said without any hesitation. 

Renjun laughed. “In what way?”

Donghyuck thought for a moment. “When I’m alone with you, it’s just different. It’s feels like being alone with my better half, like I can be my truest self. I feel whole when I’m with you, Renjun.” He closed his eyes, letting the snowflakes land on the back of his lids. 

“Do you mean that?” Donghyuck heard Renjun whisper from beside him. 

He opened his eyes again and looked at the other boy. Renjun’s cheeks were pink with the cold, the little flakes collecting in the curl of his eyelashes. His eyes were bright and watery due to the winter wind, and Donghyuck thought he had never looked more beautiful than in that moment. 

Donghyuck smiled. “I really do.” 

Renjun took a shaky breath and nodded, his lips turning up into a small smile. “We should probably go, shouldn’t we? I think I’m going to get frostbite at this rate,” he chuckled, rubbing his hands together in an attempt to warm them. 

Donghyuck checked the time and realized that they had been there for nearly two hours. “You’re right,” Donghyuck said as he stood up, brushing the snow off of his jacket. “I’ll walk you back to your dorm.”

“Okay!” Renjun grinned. Donghyuck thought he was glowing. 

They listened to music while they walked, harmonizing with each other as they sang. They had to stop once they got deeper into the city, neither of them wanting to be noticed or recognized. Their masks and hats shielded them from the public eye, but fans could still somehow spot them from a mile away, so they didn’t want to take any chances. By the time they had reached the Dream dorm, Donghyuck’s feet were almost completely numb, and Renjun seemed to notice.

“Why don’t you come in for a while? We still have the rest of the day off.” Renjun rocked back and forth on his feet, his eyes almost pleading with Donghyuck to stay.

And who was Donghyuck to deny him anything? “I shouldn’t stay too long,” said Donghyuck. “Who knows what Johnny will get up to if he’s left alone for an entire day?”

Renjun laughed. “Understood.”

Donghyuck ended up staying well after midnight. They had invited Mark and Chenle over for dinner, resulting in endless laughter and quite a bit of chaos. They eventually migrated to the living room and watched several horror movies, much to Jisung’s chagrin. Donghyuck wasn’t a huge fan of scary movies either, but Renjun was sitting next to him, clutching Donghyuck’s hand and hiding his face in the younger boy’s neck whenever he got scared, and Donghyuck thought he had never seen better films.

***

They flitted around each other after that, neither of them knowing where they really stood with the other. Their schedules were incredibly hectic, so it wasn’t as if they could have a proper conversation, either. If the day wasn’t packed with interviews and performances, it was filled with dance and vocal practice. They eventually made it to their last performance of the year: 2020 MBC Gayo Daejejeon: THE MOMENT. Donghyuck was exhausted by the end, but it was well worth it. They had a ton of fun performing and celebrating the new year together, though he wished he could have spent time with some of his friends in other groups as well. 

It was well past midnight when the members finally made it back to the dorms. Mark, Chenle, and Donghyuck were all dropped off at the Dream dorm to celebrate not only the new year, but also Jisung becoming an adult. 

“Party time! Where’s the soju?” Chenle yelled as soon as he walked in the dorm. 

“Just wait a second,” said Mark. He and Jaemin were toting several bottles of soju, one bottle of champagne, and two packs of beer. Jisung eyed the bottles warily, as if they would jump out and bite him.

“You don’t have to drink any if you don’t want to, Sungie,” said Jeno, noticing the youngest boy’s nerves.

“I want to, it’s just-” he paused to think. “It’s just that I don’t know what I’ll be like when I’m drunk.”

“This would be the place to find out!” Jaemin chimed in from where he was busy arranging the extra snacks he had purchased. 

Donghyuck nodded. “That’s true. It’s not like we’re gonna let you wander outside where _Dispatch_ can find you.”

“You’ll be fine.” Chenle whacked Jisung on the back. 

Jisung breathed out a sigh. “Alright, let’s do this.”

They all made their way to the living room, situating themselves on the floor around the coffee table. Mark and Jaemin set out the drinks and snacks on the low table before joining the others. 

“We should let Jisung have the first drink, yeah?” said Mark.

“Alright Sungie, it’s finally time.” Jaemin handed the youngest member a glass of champagne. 

Jisung nodded and took the glass. All of the members’ eyes were trained on him, waiting for him to take the first sip. He tentatively brought the glass up to his lips, looked up at the ceiling, and drank. The other members whooped and cheered, reaching for their own glasses to toast the new year. Jisung spluttered at the bitter taste, but quickly tried again in favor of celebration. They soon finished their glasses and started opening new drinks and snacks.

“Have you guys ever played ‘Drinking UNO?’” Donghyuck asked from his place between Jeno and Renjun. 

Mark shook his head. “I’ve heard of it, but I’ve never actually played it.”

“Johnny taught me how to play,” Donghyuck said, a sly smile creeping across his face. “I can show you guys, if you want.” 

The other boys nodded in agreement. Donghyuck proceeded to tell them the rules of the game while Chenle poured the shots of soju. 

“Wait, so we have to take a drink every time our turn is skipped?” Jisung's voice wavered.

“You can take shots of beer, don’t worry,” Donghyuck said as he opened a can. “Are you guys ready?”

They all grabbed their glasses as Jeno dealt out the cards. Donghyuck was taking a sip of his beer when Renjun nudged his shoulder. 

“I’m gonna beat you this time,” he whispered so only Donghyuck could hear him. 

Donghyuck smirked. “Yeah? You haven’t won a single game I’ve played, you know.”

“This time I will. For sure.” Renjun snatched Donghyuck’s drink out of his hand and took a large swig before the younger boy could even process what had happened. Renjun wiped the back of his mouth with his sleeve and thrust the drink back in Donghyuck’s hand. Renjun laughed at what must have been Donghyuck’s shocked face.

“What’s gotten into you?” Donghyuck said incredulously. He picked up his cards and shielded them from view.

Renjun shrugged. “Maybe I just have a good feeling about tonight.” Donghyuck didn’t miss the wink the older boy threw his way, hitting his chest like a freight train. He had little time to dwell on it though, because the game was starting. 

They all got drunk relatively quickly, apart from Jeno, who seemed to be incredibly good at the game. Almost _too_ good.

“He’s totally cheating!” Donghyuck yelled after Jeno won the third game in a row. 

“I’m not! You guys just suck!” 

Jisung giggled. “I bet some of us do.”

“Was that a dirty joke Park Jisung?!” Jaemin smacked his hand over his open mouth. “Alcohol has corrupted our baby boy!”

“He’s always been corrupt, he was just good at hiding it,” Chenle stated while patting said boy’s head.

Jeno shook his head and moved to stand up. “I’m going to grab some water for you guys.”

Donghyuck put his hand out to stop him. “I’ll do it. I want to stretch my legs anyway.”

Jeno quirked his eyebrow. “Are you sure you can handle that? You won’t spill it all over the floor?”

“I’m _fine_ ,” Donghyuck said while rising from his seat on the floor, only swaying a little. 

“Here, I’ll help you.” Renjun used the table to push himself up. His cheeks were flushed a pretty pink, Donghyuck noted. Renjun smiled and grabbed the younger boy’s arm, dragging him into the kitchen. 

“I’m not cleaning it up if you guys make a mess!” Jeno yelled behind them.

“It’s almost sad how little faith he has in us,” Donghyuck sighed.

“I think it’s mostly just you he doesn’t have faith in.”

“I am a very stable drunk, I’ll have you know.”

Renjun waved his arms around, directing them at the empty room. “There’s no one here, Hyuckie. You don’t have to pretend you’re sober.”

Donghyuck wasn’t that drunk. He might’ve been a little wobbly on his feet, but he was aware of his actions and surroundings. Which is why he knew he wasn’t imagining Renjun coming closer and closer to him until he was fully backed into the kitchen counter. 

Donghyuck swallowed, his throat felt incredibly dry. “I-Injun?”

Renjun didn’t say anything, just wrapped his arms around Donghyuck’s middle and rested his head in the crook of the taller boy’s neck. Donghyuck felt like he was going to combust at any moment. He slowly reached his hands up to rub Renjun’s back. 

“Are you alright?” Donghyuck whispered. He could feel Renjun nod, his hair tickling Donghyuck’s neck and jaw.

“Just missed you.”

Though they could still hear the chaos in the next room, Donghyuck felt like they were completely alone in their little bubble. Renjun’s hand came up to play with the collar of Donghyuck’s t-shirt, running the fabric through his fingers.

“We haven’t really gotten to talk, we’ve been so busy,” said Renjun. Donghyuck could feel the heat of his cheeks on the bare skin of his neck. 

“Talk about what?”

Renjun pulled away then, his hand finding Donghyuck’s and interlacing their fingers. “About this, whatever this is.” 

Donghyuck’s heart was beating against his chest, almost like it was trying to escape. He must have taken too long to answer, because Renjun pulled his hand away and took a step back. 

“If you just want to forget about it it’s fine-”

“No!” Donghyuck nearly shouted. Renjun quickly covered Donghyuck’s mouth with his hand, not wanting the other members to notice their little conversation. 

“Okay!” Renjun whisper-yelled. “Okay. But, maybe later?”

Donghyuck nodded, his mouth still trapped behind Renjun’s hand. In a burst of confidence that was most likely due to the alcohol, Donghyuck kissed the older boy’s palm. Renjun’s mouth dropped open like it was on a hinge, his cheeks growing impossibly pinker. He slowly pulled his hand away to rest at his side. Donghyuck began to wonder if he had made a grave mistake when Renjun inched closer, his movements slow but deliberate. 

_Am I dreaming?_ Donghyuck thought to himself. There was no way this was actually happening. Donghyuck was drunk, pinned up against the counter, and an equally drunk and ethereal Renjun was leaning up ever so slowly, eyes flitting from the taller boy’s lips to his mouth. Renjun’s hand fisted in Donghyuck’s shirt, keeping him locked in place. Donghyuck placed one hand lightly on Renjun’s hip, the other gripping the counter behind him. Renjun bit his bottom lip, their faces almost touching, when their little bubble was shattered.

“What’s taking you guys so long? I’m thirsty!” Jaemin yelled from the living room. 

Renjun just sighed and leaned his forehead on Donghyuck’s shoulder, hand still gripping the taller boy’s shirt. “I’m going to kill him.”

Donghyuck laughed then, his heightened emotions and booze-addled brain making the scene seem absolutely hilarious. He wrapped his arms around Renjun’s slim waist and lifted him up, spinning him around a few times before setting him back on the ground. He took his chance as Renjun was still getting his bearings to press a quick peck to the older boy’s cheek. 

“Later,” Donghyuck whispered into his ear. He felt his face heating up, so he quickly turned around and grabbed the water bottles from the fridge. 

He felt a light punch hit his shoulder blade accompanied by a whispered “asshole.” Renjun was smiling when he turned around, one of his soft, shy smiles that Donghyuck only managed to see once in a blue moon. He wished he could stay like that, admiring the way Renjun’s eyes crinkled when he smiled, but he knew they didn’t have much time until the other members got fed up and came looking for them. 

“Let’s go water our drunk teammates,” Donghyuck said as he handed a few bottles to the other boy. Renjun just laughed and nodded, leading the way out of the kitchen. 

“Finally!” yelled Jaemin as they walked into the room. “Were you guys making out in there or what?”

“Not yet,” smirked Donghyuck, which was met by a hard shove from Renjun. 

“Renjun-ah, is there anything you want to tell us?” Chenle laughed from his spot on the floor. He was holding a can of beer in one hand and patting a sleepy Jisung on the head with the other. 

Renjun was so red he looked like he was going to burst into flames. “Don’t speak informally to me you little shit!” Chenle just laughed and continued petting Jisung. 

“Is he okay?” Donghyuck gestured to their youngest member as he sat back down.

“He’s just tired,” Jeno said beside him. “It’s been a long day.”

Mark nodded. “How about we play one more round and then go to sleep?”

“If Jeno wins again I’m going to riot.”

Jeno, as a matter of fact, did _not_ win the next game. 

“Yes!” Renjun jumped up from his seat, slamming his last card onto the pile. 

Donghyuck’s mouth hung open in shock. He had been so sure he would win the next round, but Renjun had beaten him to it.

“Take your shots, you guys!” Renjun yelled triumphantly. He turned to Donghyuck and ruffled his hair. “I _told_ you I had a good feeling about tonight.”

Donghyuck put his hands up in surrender. “Alright, I can admit defeat. But don’t expect it to happen again.” He grabbed his last shot of the night and threw it down, his eyes never leaving Renjun’s. Donghyuck could see the older boy’s adam’s apple bob as he swallowed, his face and neck still flushed red from the alcohol. 

“Alright guys, let’s go to sleep,” Mark announced as he stood up. “Haechan and I will stay here tonight. You should too, Chenle.” 

Chenle gave him a thumbs-up. “What should we do about Jisung?”

Jisung had fallen asleep almost immediately after the game ended, his head resting on Chenle’s shoulder. 

Mark scratched his head. “Why don’t you set him up on the couch out here tonight? He should be close to the bathroom in case he wakes up feeling sick.”

Chenle nodded. “I’ll stay with him then, just to make sure he doesn’t choke on his own vomit.” He gently shook the younger boy awake and coaxed him into lying on the couch instead of the floor, where he promptly fell asleep once again. 

“Haechan can stay with me since Jisung’s bed is empty,” Renjun proposed. 

Mark shrugged. “Works with me. Where should I sleep?”

“There’s an extra bed in-” Jaemin started, but cut himself off abruptly. Renjun was staring at him with murder in his eyes. For what reason, Donghyuck didn’t know.

“You can stay in my room, hyung!” Jaemin tried again. “It’ll be like a sleepover!”

“Uh, okay?” Mark looked between Jaemin and Renjun, confusion written on his face. “Is everything alright?”

Jaemin just laughed and steered Mark towards his room. “Everything is great, Mark hyung. Have fun tonight, Renjunnie!” he shouted behind him. 

Renjun shook his head in response. He turned to Donghyuck. “Are you ready?” 

Was he? The room was spinning slightly, though he wasn’t sure if it was from the alcohol or his increased heart rate at the thought of sharing a room with Renjun. Not trusting his voice, he nodded and followed Renjun to his room. 

Donghyuck shut the door behind them, turning around to lean his warm forehead against the cool wood. He could feel Renjun’s presence behind him, so it wasn’t surprising when Renjun leaned his own forehead against the back of Donghyuck’s neck. What did surprise him, though, was Renjun’s hand reaching around him to lock the door. 

“Renjun-” Donghyuck was cut off by the feeling of Renjun’s lips on the base of his neck. Donghyuck inhaled sharply, his hand moving involuntarily to grab Renjun’s. 

“Is this okay?” Renjun whispered, his breath fanning over Donghyuck’s neck, goosebumps rising on his skin. 

“Yes,” Donghyuck breathed. He wasn’t sure what to do. Should he turn around? Should he stay like this and let Renjun do what he wants? His questions were soon answered when the other boy attached his lips to Donghyuck’s neck once again, higher this time. Renjun slowly made his way around to the side of Donghyuck’s neck, planting light pecks over the sun-kissed skin. The taller boy felt his soul leave his body when Renjun brought the hand that wasn’t taken by Donghyuck’s to rest on the taller boy’s waist. 

“Y-you’re drunk, Renjunnie,” Donghyuck stuttered. “Don’t do anything you’ll regret.” He needed to make sure that Renjun really wanted this, that it wasn’t just the alcohol making him so affectionate. 

“Can you look at me?” 

Donghyuck took a deep breath and turned in Renjun’s hold. The room was dim, the lights of the city filtering weakly through the curtains, but Renjun’s eyes still shined through the darkness. He brought a hand up to run through Donghyuck’s hair and eventually rest on his cheek.

“I’ve wanted to do this for a long time.” 

Donghyuck didn’t have much time to process those words before Renjun was leaning in, his thumb brushing softly against the younger boy’s cheek. Their lips only met for a moment before Renjun pulled back, his eyes locked with Donghyuck’s. He wasted no time in chasing Renjun, quickly pulling the smaller boy back in and reattaching their lips in a heated kiss. The tension he’d been feeling melted from his body, the only thoughts in his head were how good Renjun’s lips felt on his own, how right. 

They eventually had to breathe, so Donghyuck pulled away, gripping Renjun by the shoulders. He took his time catching his breath and admired the other boy’s spit-slicked lips, his blush that hadn’t seemed to fade, and the collarbone that peeked out from the top of his shirt. Donghyuck brought his hands up to cup Renjun’s face, a wave of emotion taking over his body.

“You’re so beautiful, sometimes it hurts.”

Renjun’s eyes widened. “It hurts?”

“Sometimes I watch you when you’re not looking,” Donghyuck whispered. He hadn’t planned on spilling all of his secrets tonight, but alcohol made him more sentimental than usual. “And you’re just ethereal, Renjun. Even when you’ve just woken up and your hair is fried and sticking up everywhere. Even when you’re all sweaty and should really take a shower but you don’t because you’re too tired. It hurts because you’re so beautiful, and I know you’ll always be out of reach.” A few tears made their way down his face, he hadn’t been aware he was crying. 

“I’m right here, Hyuckie. You have me.” Renjun grabbed Donghyuck by his shirt and pulled him into a slow kiss. “I’m right here,” he repeated in between kisses. 

Donghyuck placed his hands on the shorter boy’s waist to keep him from moving too far away. They parted once again, but Renjun quickly reattached himself to Donghyuck’s neck, kissing and sucking in earnest. 

“Is this a dream?” Donghyuck wondered aloud, his voice breathier than he realized. 

Renjun paused. “If it is, let’s make it a good one.” He pulled away and began to walk backwards towards his bed. He pushed Donghyuck to sit on the edge and quickly straddled his lap, placing his hands on either side of the younger boy’s head. 

Everything was happening too fast. “Wait,” Donghyuck whispered. 

Renjun stopped and peered down at him. “Is everything okay?” His eyes widened, and he suddenly looked very scared. “Did I do something wrong?”

Donghyuck quickly shook his head. “No, not at all!” He moved his hands to rest on the tops of Renjun’s thighs. “It’s just, I don’t think I’m ready to…” he looked up at Renjun, hoping the older would get what he was trying to say.

Renjun’s mouth fell open in understanding. “Don’t worry, I’m not ready either. And we’re both pretty drunk, so that wouldn’t be a great idea,” he laughed. “Just kissing for now, okay?”

Donghyuck nodded enthusiastically and leaned up to catch Renjun’s lips once again. Renjun kissed back with just as much fervor and ran his hands through the younger’s hair, pulling him even closer. Donghyuck still couldn’t quite believe what was happening. His brain was still foggy with alcohol, but he was aware enough to know what he was doing. His whole body was warm, and he was sure Renjun could feel it. 

By the time they pulled away, Donghyuck was having trouble breathing. His hands had found their way to Renjun’s waist, slightly hiking up his shirt to reveal a sliver of smooth skin. Donghyuck wanted to put his mouth on it, but he figured that would be too bold, so he settled for the skin of Renjun’s neck instead. He began to kiss and nip at the skin, moving from the underside of Renjun’s jaw, all the way down to the collarbone peeking out from his t-shirt. Donghyuck pulled the shirt to the side to reveal a little more skin before attaching his mouth there, sucking a hickey into the skin. Renjun’s hands came to grip Donghyuck’s biceps, his breathing becoming more and more ragged. 

Donghyuck leaned back to inspect his handiwork. “Pretty,” he whispered as he ran his thumb over the purple skin. 

“You’re lucky we don’t have a schedule tomorrow,” Renjun muttered, maneuvering off of Donghyuck’s lap to lay down on his back. Donghyuck watched him, entranced by the way Renjun’s hair looked spread across the blankets. He wasn’t sure what to do. Should he climb on top of Renjun? Or was that too much too fast? Renjun seemed to notice Donghyuck’s hesitation and patted the space next to him. 

“Come lay with me,” Renjun whispered. Donghyuck let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and moved to lay next to the older boy. 

Neither of them said anything at first. Their eyes were trained on the ceiling above them, but Donghyuck’s thoughts were far, far away. He was the first to move, grabbing Renjun’s hand and interlacing their fingers. Renjun turned his head to the side and locked eyes with Donghyuck. 

“I know you called me pretty, too,” Donghyuck whispered into the space between them. 

Renjun’s face twisted into mild confusion. “When did I say that?”

Donghyuck gasped in mock offense, “Are you saying it’s not true?”

“That’s not what I said, dumbass,” Renjun laughed and lightly punched the other boy on the arm. “But when?”

Donghyuck laughed as well and turned his gaze on the ceiling again. “It was a few months ago. We had been watching movies and you thought I was asleep, but I wasn’t.” Donghyuck could feel Renjun stiffen beside him, the memory obviously coming back. 

“So, you felt…” Renjun trailed off while looking at their conjoined hands. Donghyuck looked too and rubbed the older boy’s hand with his thumb. He remembered how gently Renjun had played with his fingers, and began to do the same.

“Yeah.” Donghyuck’s heart pounded against his chest.

Renjun suddenly ripped his hand away to cover his reddening face. “That’s so embarrassing!” he groaned.

Donghyuck just giggled and started to poke Renjun’s sides. “You think I’m pretty! You can’t take it back now!” 

Renjun just curled into a ball, shielding himself as best he could from Donghyuck’s onslaught. Donghyuck tried to pull Renjun’s arms away from his face, but the smaller boy was stronger than he looked and put up a fight, kicking and rolling around on the bed. Donghyuck was eventually able to manhandle Renjun into lying on his back, and he wasted no time in straddling the older boy’s waist for better leverage. Once he was able to pry Renjun’s hands away, he pinned them on the pillows above the older’s head. 

Renjun stopped struggling immediately, and Donghyuck realized how close their faces were in that position. He could feel Renjun’s chest heaving underneath him, though he wasn’t sure if it was because of their play-fighting or the position they were currently in. Their eyes met for a moment before Renjun’s traveled down to Donghyuck’s lips, his own lips parting slightly. Donghyuck felt Renjun’s hands slide out of his grip and come to rest on the back of his neck. 

“Kiss me,” Renjun whispered. Donghyuck gladly obliged.

Their lips met in a heated kiss. Renjun pulled down on Donghyuck’s neck to bring them even closer together. Donghyuck opened his mouth almost immediately, allowing Renjun’s tongue to gently slip through. Renjun’s hands fisted in the younger boy’s hair, lightly pulling on the strands. Renjun parted suddenly, though he didn’t move far. 

“Your hair has gotten longer,” he whispered, running the strands between his fingers.

“Yeah, I’ll probably have to get it cut soon for ‘Loveholic,’” Donghyuck shrugged.

“But it looks so good when it's long,” Renjun pouted, sticking out his bottom lip.

Donghyuck felt like he was going to have a heart attack. “Then I guess you’ll have to appreciate it while it’s still here, won’t you?”

Renjun laughed and shook his head. “You’re such a tease.” He leaned up to connect their lips again, his hands sliding through Donghyuck’s hair with a newfound appreciation. Donghyuck wished he could do the same, but his elbows were the only things keeping him from crushing Renjun beneath him. He compensated by deepening the kiss, eliciting a quiet moan from the other boy. 

“Fuck, Renjun,” he breathed when they parted for air. 

Renjun let out a breathy laugh. “Maybe we should slow down, yeah?” His hand moved to brush Donghyuck’s bangs out of his face before resting on his cheek. Donghyuck leaned into the touch and closed his eyes, nodding slightly. 

He felt Renjun’s lips touch his forehead, his nose, and his full cheeks, before finally landing on his lips. It was a light kiss, nothing but their lips softly sliding against each other. Donghyuck’s heart swelled. He didn’t think he’d ever been happier than in that moment, Renjun’s thumbs caressing his face while he slowly kissed the younger. 

He wanted to be able to hold Renjun, so he gently moved off of the other boy’s body to lay down beside him, their lips miraculously never parting. Donghyuck put one of his hands on Renjun’s waist and the other on his chest, right above his heart. Renjun smiled into the kiss, giving one last peck before pulling away again. He tucked Donghyuck’s hair behind his ear, making the younger’s heart flutter with the tenderness of it.

“You’re right,” Renjun said after a moment.

“Right about what?” Donghyuck looked up from where he had been staring at his hand on Renjun’s chest. The older boy’s eyes were soft, unlike anything Donghyuck had seen from him before. 

“I don’t think you’re pretty,” Renjun paused for a moment, but not long enough to give Donghyuck any feelings of self-doubt. “I think you’re _beautiful_.”

Donghyuck felt his cheeks redden, and he quickly hid his face in the crook of Renjun’s neck. Renjun laughed at the younger’s embarrassment, reaching around to hug him tightly. Donghyuck had never felt this way before, completely warm and cared for. Not in this way, at least. 

_It won’t last_. He was suddenly hit with the fear that this would be gone in the morning, because of course it would be. He knew the alcohol had something to do with their closeness, but he couldn’t be sure how much it affected the other boy. 

“Please don’t forget this tomorrow,” Donghyuck murmured into the skin of Renjun’s neck. 

Renjun rubbed slow circles onto the younger’s back. “What was that? I couldn’t hear you.”

Donghyuck shook his head. “I’m just really happy.” He had decided to keep those feelings locked away. Renjun didn’t need the burden of Donghyuck’s desperation weighing on him. 

Renjun hummed. “Me too, but I’m also super tired now.”

“Alright, I’ll go sleep in Jisung’s bed.” Donghyuck moved to get up, only to be stopped by Renjun’s hand on his wrist. 

“Stay with me?” Renjun’s eyes were pleading, big and almost watery. Donghyuck really wasn’t going to make it.

“Sure, yeah.” As soon as he laid back down, Renjun positioned himself flush against Donghyuck’s back. He draped one arm over Donghyuck’s waist and nuzzled his nose into the younger’s neck.

“Goodnight,” Renjun whispered, placing a light kiss on Donghyuck’s shoulder. 

“Goodnight, Injunnie,” he whispered back. 

Donghyuck waited for several minutes until Renjun’s breathing evened before covering the arm on his waist with his own. 

“Will you remember this?” Donghyuck breathed, barely a whisper. “And if you do, will you really be happy about it?”

He fell asleep shortly after that, giving into the exhaustion that alcohol and heightened emotion brings. If only he had held out a little bit longer, he would have heard a whispered “Of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank's for reading! Please let me know how you're liking the story so far. <3

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on Twitter [here](https://twitter.com/babyspacealien)


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